Hidden potential

Ha! I came across this ecard the other day. Difficulties in life! We all have difficulties in life. We all battle our own wars. 

My war doesn't make anyone elses war less important. However, sometimes I can't help but feel like I want to smack someone on the face with a chair when they bitch about their wars.  I have always been what I call "bullshit intolerant" and Evans has just strengthen that side of me. I'm not proud of it, it's jut a fact.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I still want to be a friend to my good friends and hear them out and put them in perspective when they need some. It's just now I have another perspective. 

I have always said that, in the world according to Liliana, there is no bigger problem than a health problem. Well, now I know that to be true. Not only do we worry about our son's health constantly, but we also worry financially. Is health insurance going to cover all this? Are we gonna have to sell the house? I mean, that's a real stress that no one seems to talk about. Maybe because it's politically incorrect? These are real concerns, real problems, real worries in my world. This explains why my "bullshit intolerant" side has been intensified.

Difficulties in life don't come to destroy you, but to help you realize your hidden potential. I just LOVED that when I read it!!! Yeah, we are battling a tough war, but this won't destroy us! Hidden potential!!! Ric has grown in 3 months what a normal teenager probably grows throughout his teenage years. I am amaze at how well he is handling all this, especially emotionally. He still has his classic 14yr old moments, which have suddenly taken on a whole new meaning for me. It makes me happy to see that there is still an argumentative teenager in the house!

He just finished his last chemo this past Monday. Now, we get a break until July 8. On that day, they will run blood tests and see where he's at and if the chemo worked, etc. Until then, he gets a break from needles. No blood tests, no nothing until July 8. He's happy about that! Me, on the other hand, a little stressed. No blood tests in three weeks?? But, blood tests give me comfort!! How will I know if his platelets or neutrophils drop? It's not like he presents obvious Evans symptoms anyway! Uughhhh! Oh well, I have to make peace with that and try to survive these next 3 weeks without a CBC.

Hidden potentials....who knew I was going to rely on my marathon experience to be able to deal with all this. I guess that's my hidden potential. Focus, determination, discipline all things I have strengthen during marathon training and are now helping me cope. Josh's hidden potential....to deal with me, well I've never been easy so that is not really a hidden potential of his, it's just now I am super aware of it! He has just become a bigger rock for me, if that was at all possible. The kids' hidden potential....they are all amazing boys and the fact that one of them is sick doesn't keep them from being boys, which is their job. I am very proud of how much stronger we all are. That's our hidden potential.

Difficulties will come and go. Today, it's Evans, tomorrow who knows what they will be. Now we know they come to make us stronger, no matter how many times I doubt my sanity.

Running uphill

In this Evans' world one literally has to live one day at a time.  For the last 7 days Ric has been feeling FANTASTIC!!!!!! We have had a whole week of no emergencies, no bruising, no bleeding no nothing! Yes! I had been hoping for some calm. However, as I rejoice in the calm I can't help to think if this is the calm before the storm.

Everything did feel like an uphill struggle when we started this course of treatment. Some people compare this to a roller coaster ride. I compare it to hill repeats.  During hill repeats we constantly go up the hill at an uncomfortable speed and then come down slowly, to recover. We do this for a ridiculous number of times, because let's face it to "normal" humans running up and down a hill more than once it's just stupid. When we are going up we struggle mentally and physically, just like we struggle when Evans decide to rear its ugly head and say hi.  But when we get to the top, it is an achievement and we look around us and realize that "yeah, we just kicked that hill's ass!"

Today, we are at his 3rd chemo with Rituximab.  As usual, they drew blood for a cbc panel.  I always look forward to CBC results because this is the only way of knowing if Ric is responding to this medicine. I anxiously wait for CBC results, almost as much as race mornings.  I know it sounds ridiculous, but in a world of unknowns, CBC results give me some type of comfort.  His platelets today are at 149,000 (normal 150,000 and up), his white blood cells are 3900 (normal 4000 and up), his neutrophils are at 1883, right at normal!!! Did you hear that??? Normal????

Today's results gave me a little bit of hope. However, I am very cautious with this hope thing. I know we only have one round left , so we might just have to start running uphill again. But, in a world that is one day at a time I will rejoice in today's little victory! Today, it looks like he's responding to treatment. Today, we have good numbers. These past few days, we have enjoyed the view from the top of our hill. It looks great and promising. But, I know Evans and I know we need to start coming down the hill, recover and catch our breaths for when we have to run uphill again.  Hill repeats suck, but they make us stronger and that's what I need to keep focusing on. This whole thing sucks, and even though I can't understand "why Ric?" most days, it is making me, Ric and my whole family stronger. This past week, we kicked the hill's ass!

Baby steps

I came across this e-card the other day. It reminded me of something I'm always telling my running buddies, as long as we are moving forward, who cares how slow or fast we go?  Of course, I know this is always the case with running. You can't rush progress when it comes to running. It takes time, patience, perseverance, dedication and discipline for you to see some progress. It may take you 6 months to train for a sub 2hr half marathon. To gain the speed and stay injury free that's approximately how long it needs to take. These things just don't happen overnight!  However, we are faithful to our runs, we are dedicated, we are focused, we are believers and at the end of the day, we make it happen.

In life, I tend to be much more black and white. Well, at least until 3 months ago where I started dealing with every shade of gray there is. It is amazing how running has helped me deal with Evans. I find that if I apply the same principles I apply to running, I can handle it. There really is not much planning you can do around Evans, but we stay faithful through Ric's treatments, we are dedicated, focused and believe that one day we will get to remission.  Hopefully, that day is not too far away, but a small step forward is a step in the right direction.

It is difficult to stay in that mindset when Evans constantly reminds us that we will have to walk backwards as well. To Evans I say this...."this girl doesn't know how to move backwards, I go forward and I am trying my hardest to move my whole crew forward,  so you can take your backwards and shove it up your evil antibodies' ass!"

Ric had his chemo this past Monday....so far, so good and no hives or any other reactions.  This week we are at a whopping 130,000 platelets! His white blood cells are still behaving like cranky, whining teenagers, but what are we gonna do? His neutrophils are the crankiest of them all, at 395, which means he basically has no "soldiers" to fight any infection. He feels perfectly fine, though! Yesterday, his pediatrician called to see how he was doing and I told her "I am waiting for the other shoe to drop" and she said "Well, you should be enjoying these peaceful days, that way when the rollercoaster comes down again you can look back and say...hey, I had a few good days and hold on to that strength." That woman is amazing! She's totally right! We have enjoyed almost "normal" days this week. Ric graduated from the 8th grade, his brother William graduated from 5th grade. It's been a week of celebration! I am quietly celebrating that Ric has been feeling good and has had no reaction, so far. 

 This week I feel there has been some progress and we are moving somewhat in the right direction. Baby steps, but who gives a crap? It's the right direction and that's where our focus needs to be.



PS....I have added a new state of alert when it comes to Evans.....RED WEDDING! Hopefully, we will never have to use it.