Monday, May 12, 2014

My blue unicorn

This morning, while on our way to the hospital for a checkup, I was showing Ric  one of my favorite songs. It's called Unicornio Azul (Blue Unicorn) and it was composed by a Cuban musician, Silvio Rodriguez.

This song talks about something being lost and the person is desperate trying to find it. Except, it never really says what is lost or who is lost. It is constantly referred to as "el unicornio azul". Of course he asked, what is "el unicornio azul"? As I am explaining to him all the various interpretations of the song, it dawns on me that I have my own personal "unicornio azul".  There is a part of me that is forever lost, that I will never find no matter what. I can beg for information, pay $100,000 or a million, like the songs says, but I won't ever find it. My "unicornio azul" is some of my peace of mind.

Ric's numbers today were great! Which means, he has now been cleared to spend the whole Summer in Puerto Rico with his dad. The WHOLE FREAKING SUMMER! I am having the hardest time with this. I know his dad will take fantastic care of him, but I can't help but to feel terrible about him being away from me. What if something happens? 

Of course, we have already scheduled an appointment with a heme/onc in PR, just in case of an emergency. I actually did that today and almost had a breakdown when I called at 2:00pm and they told me they couldn't take my call to make an appointment right now. That I had to call between 3-5pm to make an appointment. Which, of course, makes me wonder...what the hell is going to happen if something happens to Ric in PR? Will they tell us that they can't see him immediately? That they can't schedule a CBC immediately? I know it sounds terrible, but after my mom's experience down there with oncologists, I don't trust their system at all!! 

All day long, I try to disconnect from it with work and some music. It seems like every single song that popped out of Pandora was talking to me. 

"Slipping through my fingers"....yes! That is exactly how I feel. This whole situation is slipping through my fingers. I won't be there to make decisions or drop everything to help him out.

"...There are storms we can not weather" no shit! I have been stressing out for weeks about the possibility of him going to PR. This is going to be the longest Summer in history. I know I will survive it, I kind of have no choice, but it will be quite the storm to weather.

Josh even said "why don't you just take the kids and spend the Summer there?". Well, I can't do that. I need to learn to deal with this, no matter how hard it is at this very moment.

"...inside my heart is breaking, my makeup may be flaking, but my smile still stays on....I have to find the will to carry on...the show must go on!" Holy crap! This is when I decided to turn off Pandora. 

It is what it is. There is no indication whatsoever that Ric will relapse while in PR. I will keep on moving forward, so he knows he can move forward too. 

"Mi unicornio azul ayer se me perdio, y puede parecer acaso una obsesion. Pero no tengo mas que un unicornio azul. Y aunque tuviera dos, yo solo quiero aquel, cualquier informacion la pagaré. Mi unicornio azul se me ha perdido ayer, se fue."
 (I lost my blue unicorn yesterday and it may seem like I am obsessed with it, but I only have one blue unicorn. Even if I had two, I only want that one. I will pay for any information. I lost my blue unicorn yesterday....it's gone) it sounds better in Spanish, but you get the gist of it ;)